I was born in Canberra on the 16/07/1988. Throughout my childhood I was a very active, very fit kid that loved to play any and every sport that I could, if you were to name a sport I would more than likely have had a go at it, but through my dads love for AFL that’s the sport I would eventually stick with. Footy was good. I was a strong young athlete that could compete at a high level and I loved it, every moment of it. But as the years went on and as I would get better, at the same time I was also getting worse. I like many other kids (my sister included) were being subjected to the gross misconduct that is domestic violence due to alcoholism, and to me this was the beginning of a long journey that would see me spiral out of control. From there, things never ever seemed to get better, my attitude became one that I didn’t care about anything, I was in inner turmoil every waking second, the things I witnessed on a constant basis as a young man had turned me into a monster. As the years went on everything, except my mental state changed, I had nothing, I was going nowhere, and then I discovered alcohol, cigarettes and everything else that accompanies the two. Nothing seemed to get better. And like thousands of others I drank to suppress the illness that was growing inside of me. This went on for years until I decided to join the Army.
At the time my decision was purely based on proving others wrong, people very close to me who would tell me there’s no way I’d be able to make it, and even if I did go I wouldn’t be able to hack it. Its funny because now that I look back that was the start of me fighting, me fighting for myself, having the desire to prove others wrong, a desire that I needed in spades later down the track to pull the knife away from my heart.
No matter how tough you think you are, how strong you think you are and how confident you portray yourself to be, there is nothing that will humble you quite like sitting on that bus on the way to Kapooka. In that time you are alone with nothing but the headrest in front of you and the 30 other petrified young men and woman who are undoubtedly suffering the same gut wrenching nervousness you are also going through. And it only gets worse when the bus arrives.
The next four years taught me a lot, I had to fend for myself, make new mates, learn things that your average person would never dream of learning in a lifetime, deploy to and spend months on end, in below par living conditions in a 3rd world country, on two separate occasions. Miss out on the biggest mission on the calendar due to injury and the whole time still fighting what seemed to be a loosing battle in my mind. Things would only get worse before they got better.
Discharging from the Army was at the time the easiest decision I have ever made. But it quickly became the worst. My behavior turned increasingly more fragile, I was drinking nearly every day, bursting into fits of anger that would cause me to black out and not remember what happened, all over the smallest of things, severe anxiety started plaguing my mind, and everything I would do became mundane and difficult, things like crowds would send me into a nervous wreck, all the while I was drowning my thoughts at an alarming rate, taking my problems out on the ones that were closest to me, doing the exact thing that I swore I would never do, and that was become the evil I saw when I was growing up.
Why do we become the person we always strive not to be? Is it because we waste countless hours thinking about it, that subconsciously that’s who we become? When I think back to all the worst experiences in my life, every single one of them without fail includes alcohol. Me nearly taking my own life Included.
This brings me to the purpose and evidently the name of this Blog “An empty bottle or a deep Squat” when we think about the wording its quite simple really, where do we turn when things get tough? When the demons become too much? Do we go for the short term fix that will only compound and make the problem worse? Or do we seek the option that takes a lot of hard work, dedication, and commitment? Because ultimately, the things that are easy to do, are also easy not to do.
For years I chose the first of the two, all the while admitting and knowing that I had a problem, but refusing to help myself, I would train for a few weeks, months at a time then give up, and fall back into the black whole that is depression, this would repeat itself over and over. Until I realized I was loosing everyone close to me, no one wanted to know me, I was quickly becoming, if not already “that guy” that guy that nobody wants to know, that person no one wants to be seen with because all they do is carve a path of destruction every where they go. I found out very quickly who my closest mates were and along with fitness can credit one of them especially, along with my partner and daughter with effectively saving my life.
With all this being said I can honestly say that throughout everything I’ve been through, fitness and constant self evaluation has been the light that keeps on shining through, the light that would only ever fade because I would cover it up with my own dark cloud, only to dig it back up when I would decide to try and better myself. Through all the failed attempts, all the buried lights and all the digging I have finally arrived at a place that I have committed, I have committed to bettering myself. I have discovered that I am the only person who can do that, taking on a journey to perfect my mindset is something I wake up and commit to everyday, I fight my demons head on, I tell someone when I’m not ok, and I weather the storm, because no matter how strong you are, you will still have bad days, its about knowing they wont last forever.
Change your mindset, go on a mission to find yourself, and then learn to love yourself, because you are the most important person in your life. Since figuring this out my life has changed dramatically, and all for the better. Dark days still come, but I am now equipped to deal with them.